May 31st, 2005
Meta-blogging alert :: 10:29 PM :: easyjetsetterThe event took place at l'Entrepot, a fabby cool chic cinema/restaurant/bar/meeting space place in the 14th, and about 130 bloggers had signed up (with many more expected), from the wee, puny personals, to the heavyweight creme de la creme with bookdeals. Everyone seemed to know each other. In such situations I'm normally very very able to breeze into any conversation and a) hijack it for my own purposes and/or b) meet everyone in the circle. This evening, partly because I was a bit sick of "new people" from the salon, but also partly for other reasons, this did not occur. I spoke to a few people, but (with a few exceptions) their questions were "what is your subject that you blog about?" and "what is your readership?" Perfectly reasonable questions, and if I had a particular subject or a ton of readers I would probably not have felt such a tool. However, for the first time since I was about 17 (note: last time I lived in Britain), I felt out of place. Like I did not belong. It was like revenge of the nerds. Of course, this is nobody's fault but my own. Not just because of my bad mood. These people meant well, but the fact of the matter is, I'm a bit insecure about how very very very insignificant my blog is. Being a total Hermione Granger (gotta be the best...) that is. It takes a certain amount of balls and ego to be a blogger. It's necessary healthy ego, not crazy dictator ego. One has to be totally unashamed about asking people much more widely read than you to link to you, and one has to do all one can to promote one's blog name. I do neither of these things. My own personal blog ethics code of conduct (and intrinsic circa 1901 Britishness) means I consider this fairly vulgar behavior: pushy and (sorry) American. I took the decision to not comment on somebody's blog unless I was actually prompted to respond to what they wrote, and even then to have a pseudonym for commenting on non-expat blogs (eagle-eyed readers who know my real name and what British political blogs I frequent will discern this.) I also decided not to link to anyone unless I read their blog regularly. Almost unheard of in blogoland. Also unheard of was my decision to not ask for links back to me, and wait for them to come from people who read my blog. All very noble, but now my inner teenager, never very far beneath the surface, is stamping her foot and saying "I want more readers NOW" in response to meeting people much more popular than me. It's ok that they are, I just want a piece of the pie. So, not for the last time in my projected career, I am asking myself, integrity, or popularity? I thought about why I started this blog, to keep friends and family up to date with what was happening in my life, and how it necessarily changed into something more public and more anonymous as I had a minor brush with an underrepresented ethno-religious group, and about how it became a way to practice the discipline of writing something (fairly) structured (nearly) every day. I thought about how, if I really want to make something of this blog, I have to be shameless and unrelenting in pursuing readers and exposure, and how I have to shape it up, redesign it, post every day RELIGIOUSLY, and take the damn thing seriously. Then I thought, nah, fuck it, that's too much like hard work. Bugger integrity, I'm just lazy. UPDATE: Of course, having just written this, I discover that a comment of mine over at EU Rota has been quoted in full as a post. Am glowing. Pinkly. Have the necessary ego for blogging it seems. UPDATE 2: Almost simultaneously, I was asked to write a guest article for a group blog on politics on the strength of comments alone. *Blush* and *egomaniacal giggle.* 5 Your Thoughts
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